Sooner or later – after a lot of nagging from so many friends and relatives to do a blog – I knew I had to do this thing. So, here you go with the sooner. (No, I am not from Oklahoma – I am from Ohio, so put that in your eye and buck it! (Buckeye – get it?) Ok, I’ll slow down for you. You see, “Buckeye” is the state of Ohio’s nickname and . . . Good grief, this is going to be a chore!
Finally, here is a excerpt about me from a Review on one of my books by a well-known author who currently lives somewhere in NY – a former contributor to one of the world’s foremost newspapers whose name I will not disclose. Since I have not gotten permission to do so, I’m not even going to tell you her gender!
“If Mel Calvert were not so busy living a one-in-a-million exciting life and writing books, he could teach a lot of us wannabe writers how to reach people through poignant anecdotes, rib-tickling humor, and plain old-fashioned riveting stories!”
So, here we go with some of my favorite jokes – (and I hope they are some of yours!)**
First, there is no such thing as an “Old joke!” You may have heard it before butthere are countless numbers of people who not heard it before and they are hearing a “New Joke!” (Let that sink in.)
Example:
The scene is the high school prom and the student body King’s dad is one of the chaperones. All was going well until towards the end of the night, he noticed that a young girl had not had one dance – she was overweight and yet had a lovely face. Finally, the dad said,
“Son, you go ask that girl for a dance, and when you’re finished, say something nice to her! Now, go!”
All through the dance he tried to think of something and was stumped . . . until just as the music was ending. He then smiled a big one at her and said,
“You sure don’t sweat much for a fat girl!”
OK, one more – ready or not!
A rabbit, a turtle, and a lizard got together and decided they needed to build a home. So, they worked very hard for quite a long time and finally built a beautiful cottage. They then planted a lawn with grass seed and, after finishing this, realized they didn’t have any fertilizer. Putting their heads together it was decided – since speed was of the essence, that the fastest one would be Rabbit, of course, and he set off to the city to get the fertilizer.
The city was quite far away and it took Rabbit longer than any of them thought. So, when he returned, he found that the place looked beautiful even without grass. He had no way of knowing that while he was gone, Turtle and Lizard had discovered gold on their property and were now quite wealthy. He hopped up to the door and rang the doro bell. The door was opened by a butler who inquired,
“May I help you, Sir?”
“Where is Turtle?”
“Oh, Mr. Tur-TELL is out by the well,”
“And Lizard?” he asked.
“Mr. Li-ZARD is out in the yard.”
Rabbit threw out his chest and yelled, “Well, tell them that Mr. Rab-BIT is here with the sh*t!”*
With many years of on-stage comedy as well as recording an album of music with players from the BBC Symphony – along with my talented, classical pianist wife, Sunny, – who was outstanding as well with Scott Joplin’s “Maple Leaf Rag” on the album – all under the direction of icon Johnny Douglas’ arranging and conducting – I am quite qualified to offer advice to anyone on just about any kind of performing they wish to try. Please feel free to send your ideas and I will always respond – it may not be what you want to hear, but it will be the truth.
I once asked the famous comedian Paul Gilbert where to get material since I wanted to be a comedian. It was right after his first act at a Holiday Inn in California. He replied,
“Do you have a lot of money?”
I replied negatively.
“Then steal! Did you see my first act?”
I affirmed.
“Stick around for my next act and you’ll get some more!”
He was serious, so I did!
Above all, I will offer advice that one can go to the bank with – (I know, “A preposition is something one never ends a sentence with!”) And there will be no charge. Mr. Gilbert set that pac (precedent) for you!!
Send me your favorite joke and I will pass it on. Be aware that I will also improve it, if necessary, but I will give you credit for it . . . publicly!
But, before I go, another thought just occurred to me that I feel is very important. Something needs to be done about all this DEI nonsense. It isn’t commonly known (no one ever called me “common”), but the original group of Democrats who came up with the idea were sitting around chatting about nothing serious (as usual) when one of them said,
“Hey, I’ve got it!”
One, whose frontal lobes were just a bit more developed than the rest thought privately, “don’t we all.”
“Let’s come up with an acronym that says how important it is for Diversity, Inclusion and Equity! We could call it DIE!”
“Wow!” echoed another. Great Idea!”
Then the slightly more intelligent one said, “But that wouldn’t work as an acronym. It would be to DIE!”
“So!” countered the worst retarded one. “Isn’t that what we want?”
“Of course, but we can’t go on record for it!”
The most intelligent one of them – a graduate of Columbia- offered,
“All we have to do is turn them inside out and we will have “DEI.”
The debate went on for several hours until they finally agreed on the one that is currently popular amongst the left twits! “DEI, it is!
The old saying, “Sticks and Stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me” is certainly true. But the EFFECTS of words can kill you! Here’s a simple example . . . just one word at the right place at the right time . . . You are standing with your hands tied behind you and are blindfolded. The last word you will ever here is, “FIRE!”
My email address: [Calcomm12@gmail.com](Calcomm12@gmail.com “Calcomm12@gmail.com“)
No name, just that and no more. Look forward to hearing from you. (Any subject whatever – I invented the Theory of relative eerie!) So, give me a yell and let’s get acquainted. I’m one of those oddballs who even accepts phone calls! (For the time being, anyway!)
Mel Calvert
(904)-631-4898
[Calcomm12@gmail.com](Calcomm12@gmail.com “Calcomm12@gmail.com“)
**Absolutely no guarantee as to originality!)
*** For all you Blue-Noses who wouldn’t say SHIT if you had a mouthfu
